highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
