So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
