If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
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