i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
