Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
