Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me