and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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