i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
