You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
