You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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