Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
