i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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