I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
