ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
