go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i've created a new STD.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
