I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
