Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
