im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
