It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
