This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
