My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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