If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
