I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
