im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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