We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
