soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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