party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
