hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
