Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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