I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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