I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I AM VODKA MAN
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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