If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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