So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
