i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
