I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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