A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I want to fling myself into the sun
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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