I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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