i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
