Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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