The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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