just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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