i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
