I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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