Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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