I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
