I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
