I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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