i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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