i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
