There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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