So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
