Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
