six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
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