you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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