I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
