My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
