dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this just has baby written all over it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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