he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
