I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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