I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
