I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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