went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
