His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
