Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
